Dear alcohol specialists, therapists, counsellors, and the rest of y’all trying to help us. You need to read this.
This morning I am listening to an interview with two ex-drinkers. One who is ‘sober because of AA’, and the other who says he ‘just fucking quit.’ They’re both public figures, writers, helpers.
When people contact the first guy to ask for help with quitting drinking, he talks about the universe giving signs, about getting in touch with your higher power, about steps, about community, and about service. He uses his language.
When people contact the second guy and say that they want to quit drinking, he says: “You don’t want to quit drinking. Don’t bullshit me. What you really want is for the consequences of drinking to stop. You want the hangovers to stop and for everyone to get off your fucking back. You know how to quit drinking: stop picking up the fucking glass.” He uses his language.
Dear Sober Helpers:
This next bit will seem self-evident and novel at the same time. Ready? What if when we ask for help with being sober, that you actually listen to our language, and respond to us where we’re at. Nothing will turn a boozer AWAY from help FASTER than when we hear words that don’t resonate with us.
Are you ready Sober therapist? Here’s a workbook example. Now, don’t cheat. I want you to write out what you would say. If you’re unsure, you can reference the two UNHELPFUL answers below, I’m sure your idea is in there.
Example: “I really want to quit drinking but I can’t seem to make it stick. My wife is on my back and I just don’t seem to want it anymore. My environment feels like it’s closing in” (Alex, Day 0)
Unhelpful Answer #1: “Your ‘environment’ is really your higher power giving you a message. You need to surrender, admit you’re powerless, and go to 90 meetings in 90 days.”
Unhelpful Answer #2: “You don’t actually want to quit, you want the symptoms of drinking to stop. You want the DUIs and the vomiting to stop. But you still want to drink. Admit it. What are you continuing to drink when you know it’s ruining your life?” (This question asked as if there is an answer, shaming us into thinking we should be able to reply, when there is no answer. Addiction is like that. Nonsensical. There is no good reason.)
Dear Masters of Social Work, do you really want to help Alex?
Here’s an idea. You can meet Alex where she is (not where you think she needs to be) and use her language (not your interpretation of what correct language is).
How about you say:
“I totally felt like that too just before I quit, I would swear off alcohol in the morning and then buy wine at 5 p.m. I’m sure your wife is on your back, she’s probably worried about you and it’s weird for her to be in a relationship with someone who’s a drinker especially if she isn’t one. I mean, if she doesn’t hear the Drink Now voice, then she probably has a hard time having any idea what’s going on with you. Everyone who’s been drinking for a while feels like they’re in a small world. Sort of like being in a closet when the rest of the world is bright and shiny around you, but you can’t quite step out of the closet and into the light.”
And then?
Dear Therapist:
That’s the point where you STOP talking. And you wait to see what Alex says.
If she says ‘environment’ then you say ‘environment’ not ‘higher power’. And if you defensively respond to me with “Alex should be able to hear through the vernacular…” then let me come in real close, and whisper:
You know full fucking well that people turn off if they don’t like what they hear. Why would you purposely and arrogantly insist on using YOUR language? Nobody wants to hear YOUR language.
Dear Sober Coaches:
Don’t act like AA is the only way to be sober. It is one sober tool. It’s a solution for many, but not for all. That you have no experience with other tools, doesn’t mean that they don’t exist. [I must write one sentence like this in every piece, crammed full of negatives, but it sounds better than if I write it any other way.]
Oh, and here’s something you’ll just love. Ready? (Don’t you love a boozer on a rant! Ahem.)
Do NOT counsel us on how to live without alcohol if you drink yourself. Just don’t do it. If you personally don’t have a Drink Now voice, then you have no (literal) idea what it’s like to be us.
(And to you, the boozer reading this, you can read between the lines here. Seek out sober support. Have a (literal) sober coach, someone who has what you want, someone who talks how you talk. Someone who can meet you where you are. Have them in addition to any other supports you have.)
Dear Alcohol Treatment Folks:
We need empathy. We need to feel heard. The rest of it is you pushing an agenda, using your frame of reference and hoping to squeeze us into it. How about you see where we are, first, and then help us put together our own sober toolkit, amass our own sober supports? How about you show us 60 different things we could do to be sober, and then STOP TALKING.
And wait to see what we do.
~
Thanks for reading. Can you click on the little ‘clap’ picture? 👏🏼 Helps people find the stuff I write. Merci.
Belle Robertson, sober 7 years, blogs and writes and records free sober audios. She has supported 3,029 people, individually, as a one-on-one sober penpal, as they work on being sober. She works as a text designer, a baker & caterer, and as a sober coach. She thinks that cinnamon can be added to just about any dessert. This blurb updated August 2019.
